“Quick! Hold him down and inject the sedatives straight into his neck!”
Nigel Farage has reopened the Faragecave, and is dusting off the Nigelsuit, according to sources close to the UKIP MEP.
UKIP went into a nosedive this morning, after leader Henry Bolton’s refusal to resign over texts his horrible racist ex sent, leading party stalwart Neil Hamilton to fire up the Nigelsymbol from atop a Wetherspoons pub.
Although the searchlight is not yet visible, owing to the fact it is daytime, a friend of Farage’s said “Nigel sensed he was needed. He leant forward, head bowed over his sixth pint, then stood up, the familiar gleam in his eye, and went outside for a fag.
“Then he came back in and said ‘I promised I would always be there in their hour of need. To the Nigelmobile!’
“Then he got into his car and drove home, drunkenly weaving from side to side.”
Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Spent Political Forces, said “The Kippers who haven’t yet gone to ground or been hunted down will want him back. He will officially deny a return, whilst feeding rumours.
“But ultimately he has no cartilage in his knees, has suffered many wounds from his nights fighting Europeanism, and is, to use a colloquialism, madder than a box of frogs. If he comes back at all it will be in a caretaker role.
“It’s more likely though that he will just camouflage himself with marmite and jam, and then drive round and round the M25 screaming into a paper cup that he’s the messiah. UKIP are fucked.”
Image from: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:2012_opening_of_the_UKIP_office_in_Basingstoke_by_Nigel_Farage.jpg
